4am poop

life lately... has been different for me. and by different i mean lonely, isolated, and very tiring.

i'm listening to the wind howl outside, blowing high-pitched cold air through a tiny breach in the window i'm sitting next to. i'm picturing a leaf outside getting tossed around by the wind, bouncing to and fro, getting stuck on a bush or against the tire of a car. It travels along without decision, at the mercy of whatever direction the wind says it will go.

i am this little leaf. i feel i've been bouncing around life with no direction of my own and little purpose behind it. i bump into things, apprehended by random objects in my path, released only when the circumstance around me shifts and i'm free to aimlessly toss around again. i move without thought or feeling at a pace i don't control and then wonder how i ended up in a place i never thought i'd be.

this 'little leaf' scenario comes as a result of a lot of change in my life. my beloved family moved away. my husband is in a relentless nursing program. i work at night in a job i'm tolerating long enough to figure out where i'm really meant to be and how i'm going to get there. my body is in a constant state of exhaustion; i've done the math and i'm missing literally DAYS worth of sleep.

none of this is meant to sound like a complaint, AT ALL. because i have countless reasons to be thankful and have joy in the midst of this weird phase of my life. but i'm starting to recognize these changes as part of the course that led me to where i am right now: lonely, isolated, and very tired.

and you know what else? side note here... i think i'm bored! i think i'm SO bored! i used to love to work out and be active, walk my dog, read, i even used to write more often. but i function in such a low-energy state that i never feel motivated to do much of anything. hahaha... it makes me think of a conversation i had with my dear friend jenna. she's also a nurse and recently finished a 6 week stint of night shift. she was telling me how much it messed up her life for those 6 weeks... it was hard on her relationship, threw a major wrench in her normally healthy diet and exercise regimen... she said she didn't know when to eat or sleep, that her body was so out of whack. i told her my body still doesn't even know when to take a shit! haha and that's when she said she woke up the other day at 4am to poop! it was so funny, and such a relief to hear that i'm not the only one finding it difficult to keep people alive during the hours of 7pm and 7am three days a week while maintaining an otherwise healthy and active lifestyle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry... got a little carried away there. the vessels in my neck were definitely bulging as i was typing/yelling that out. my point is that this sucks right now.

and i miss myself.