it's 4:58 am right now, I've been up for 1 hour. insomnia is really frustrating!!! i'm really praying i can get a job that's on a daytime schedule so that I can sleep for longer than 4-5 hours without pharmacological assistance (i.e. benadryl/melatonin cocktail).
that sort of introduces this post. to make a long story short, I've been on a night schedule for 5-6 months now ever since I switched units at work back in February. It was really rough at first but then I sort of got used to it and I was learning a lot, I was challenged but not overwhelmed, and I decided to stick to night shift even though I had the opportunity to go to days. That's basically when everything went downhill...
Work has been especially difficult due to some serious budget cuts. We're overworked x1000. If we can't perform the list of duties expected before it's time to clock out, we get written up. By the way, this list is extensive and we have minimal help. It's pretty much a miserable place to be.
This has all been really hard to deal with. Lately I've questioned whether nursing was right for me, I've questioned whether it's right for Freddie. It has kind of shaken everything we've been working so hard for over the last 6-7 years! Plus, the sleep deprivation is really, really catching up to me. I've been really down on myself because I feel like a bum when I sleep all day. The sleep I get is never enough, it's interrupted and unnatural, and most days I wake up groggy and I never feel rested. The first few months were okay, but I'm suffering the consequences now...
My house is a mess and it's super frustrating. I can never seem to stay ahead of the laundry, the furry stuff growing in all our toilets, the carpet that desperately needs contact with a Jason Bourne-style vacuum cleaner. I'm disorganized and I have no real routine or schedule. And don't even get me started on what it's done to my, er, libido. (sorry if you're reading this, dad).
For a while there I was running 4 or 5 times a week because I'v decided to run the half marathon in December. It was definitely helping but soon this caught up with me, too. I learned that running on days that I work resulted in a sore throat and body aches by the end of my work week, which meant I had to take a few days off of working out all together to avoid illness. It was just too much exertion without enough rest. I spend a lot of effort trying to read my body cues and allowing myself, giving myself permission to sleep if I need to sleep. Freddie gets mad at me because he says I'm too hard on myself when I'm frustrated for "sleeping the day away". It sucks, though. When you feel like the life is sucked out of you for 3 days you want to steal it back by having fun, by having a life when you're off, not by sleeping until noon. :(
Anyway, this is something I'm working on finding a solution to. I know God knows of my unhappiness. I know He knows our financial needs. I know He will take care of me.
You're my child---so this is hard to watch. Having said that, I also know that this experience is helping to further your knowledge of "Melody". You'll come away from this trial much wiser, and much more grateful for the wonderful God you have.
ReplyDeleteYou amaze me Melody----Freddie is right,you're too hard on yourself. This a season, and seasons pass and give way to wonderful change. I know it's hard to grasp this truth when you're in the midst of a trial that feels like it'll take you out at any moment.
Enter in INSOMNIA...Please know that I, of all people understand the pain of dealing with THAT monster. The anxiety it can cause is so very frustrating! It robs us of one of the most WONDERFUL gifts GOD has given us-----REST!!
There is hope. In your anguish you will learn to trust your GOD in ways you never thought possible. You'll learn to say "no" to the things you KNOW are bad for Melody---and be ok with saying "no". Some of the best lessons I've learned have been during sleepless nights (or days in your case).
PLEASE have peace knowing that contrary to what the world says, God grows the most BEAUTIFUL flowers in darkness---in the HARD places where it feels like there is no light, no air. It's a place that doesn't feel like home, and where the answers seem not to come fast enough to save us.
I believe that one day you'll look back on this season with a respect and gratitude that only wisdom can yeild. You're my precious child, whom I KNOW will find rest...in HIM.
Before I sign off, I'll share with you some of the wisest words I've ever read. I've learned to embrace the wisdom they offer, even through tears. They've reminded me that all of "this" happens for a reason---and that reason is love.
*************
"There is nothing, no circumstance, no testing that can ever TOUCH me until first of all, it has gone past (through) Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart. No trial will ever disarm me, no circimstance will cause me to fret, for I shall rest in the joy of what the Lord is, and THAT is the rest of victory."
I LOVE MY GIRL,
MOM
damn.
ReplyDeletethanks, mommy. <3
You're welcome my sweet:)
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