Those are the words that pierced my heart and just about struck me dead a few days ago. They were spoken to me by my husband, the one who knows me best. OUCH.
On top of that, I knew he was right. Even as I type this my eyes get hot with tears as I muster up the humility and courage to say it out loud. This is truly something of a disturbance to me.
You see, I NEVER used to be a chicken. I was the kid who climbed to the very top branch of the tree at a shockingly young age, totally unphased by the small people yelling at the bottom telling me to come down. I used to be the kid who rode the front seat of the rollercoaster with my hands up the whole time and didn't even blink. The last time I rode a rollercoaster I was 24 and I cried when I got off. :( I was ACTUALLY frightened. What the heck happened to me??
The other thing that hurt when he said it is... I know what "happened" to me. I know it sounds stupid or insignificant, but once he said it I knew: the shooting. I can't explain it. I can't make it make sense to myself. But that event in my life jacked me up good, and I cannot seem to shake it. I live with a fear I didn't have before. I live with a hefty lack of trust in people, strangers really. I know I wasn't the one who was shot, so to have this kind of fear is irrational, I'm sure. (which is why I previously said I can't make sense of it). All I know is that it changed the way I view things. I no longer feel invincible. I don't like the feeling of free-falling. I don't like heights. I don't like being in public places that I couldn't easily get out of. I used to want to go skydiving. Ha. You bet your ass that's out the window (pun intended??). That just sounds utterly terrifying to me now and I'm almost 100% sure I would turn into a babbling idiot before leaving the runway. I don't like running outside with my ipod on full-blast. I don't even like flying anymore, period. Sadly, the list goes on. . .
My sadness in this situation does not come from the fact that now I'm not much of a rollercoaster girl or that I can't enjoy an invigorating run outside without my mase poised and ready. My sadness comes from knowing that something's been taken away. . . my freedom. The fear has me by the balls, and it pisses me off.
WELL I WANT IT BACK.
First step: frickin' get out there! I suggested to Freddie that we do something "adventurous" during our vacation. Although skydiving came up, I avoided it like a little pansy and we settled on bungee jumping. Baby steps, I thought. . . baby steps. :/
So I guess we'll see how it goes. I don't want to live afraid. I want to let go. I kinda want to lose some inhibitions. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I REALLY WANT TO LOSE SOME INHIBITIONS. Any suggestions? Let's make 'em legal, people. Remember baby steps.
That's me for now.
peace and love,
melody
p.s.
I love you, whoever is reading this. I love you because He does. Don't let that knowledge escape you for even a moment.
<3
This is really cool to read this. I don't have a clue what shooting you're referring to, but I understand being afraid. And I wouldn't go bungy jumping for anything. I've seen the rope...that doesn't do it for me. We went sky diving, but can't go ever again now that we have kiddos. It just seems like it would be wrong and selfish if we didn't make it for whatever reason. Then our munchkins would be without parents.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I learned though, after being incredibly fearful of driving, eventually coming out of the fear grows a whole other level of trust. And you can only get to it from that route I think...
God predetermined the times set for us and the exact places we should live, that we would seek Him and reach out and find Him, though He's not far from each of us. Acts 17:26,27.
If its all spiritual, this whole "chicken" thing is more about you and Him than overcoming fear.
Oh Lord, please deep fry the pansy in all of us!
-Tarah
I don't think you're "chicken". You do things everyday as a nurse that bear huge responsibilities and lifelong consequences with no fear. You took on a tough road to become a nurse ... persevered, conquered it, succeeded. You married at a very young age and hit a home run there too. You're off to Europe later this year. You bought a house. Is it more brave to ride a roller coaster than do that?
ReplyDeleteMace, caution, discretion, discernment may just be signs of maturity and this thing called wisdom. We all did things in youth that looked brave and daring, but were just kinda dumb and now we wonder why?
The trick is balance ... don't let fear limit your life but at the same time realize sometimes stupid risks are just that ... stupid. Don't sell yourself short either ... see your own bravery and boldness. Commitment takes bravery and kicks ass on chicken shit alternatives in many ways in life. You've got that down baby.
Let us all become eagles, together.
ReplyDeletelove you, mom
wow. I've been so wrapped up in my own adventures that ive barely taken notice to the world around me. Forgive me, please. After talking to you today, I wanted to read your blog and know everything that ive been missing as i was away. Hearing your view on the shooting brings a tremendous load of stress and anxeity. I hope you dont take that the wrong way. Although its not my fault, I feel completely responsible for it. Sometimes, I feel like were twins. Twins know when theother is hurting and can explain their feelings better than someone else. All of your feelings are feelings that I still feel but used to feel so much more. Why do you think I tattooed fear not to my body? For so long i lived with the same fear that you expressed. To be four years later and still feel such agony, it so upsetting. You NEED TO get out, sis. You need to put yourself first and go feel what it feels like to live, fearless. I dont have the right words, in fact, im typing so fast I cant think straight. Im sorry your afraid, especially because of what happened. I'm sorry fear has stripped you of everything just like it did me. I'm here. Now go live and never look back. I love you. ill fight the fear right alongside you..
ReplyDeletegaw! lumpy throat... and you're right. thanks for being there alongside me. now i just have to figure out how.
ReplyDelete